Dark Jokes

100 Dark Jokes for those who want to laugh a lot

 

Different people grow up with different senses of humor, and they learn to interpret jokes in certain ways.

First of all, it’s not always clear when someone is joking. For example, if someone went up to me and said, “since you’re an American, that must mean you own an assault rifle”. The first thing that comes to my mind is that the person is making a joke, but that’s not necessarily how everyone will interpret it. Some people might interpret the comment as a serious comment and not a joke. This confusion can be avoided by good joke delivery, but confusion can never be completely avoided.

Also, even when it is clear that a joke is being made, some people view jokes as “jokes for the sake of jokes” and some people view jokes as “jokes for the sake of punching up or down”. The former (jokes for the sake of jokes) are simply jokes for the sake of being absurd. If someone walks up to me and says “since you’re an American, that must mean you own an assault rifle”, then I am might interpret it as an absurd joke, not meant to belittle me, but rather just to point out a funny stereotype. On the other hand, someone else might interpret the joke as belittling them. They might think that the person telling the joke is trying to insult them or “punch” them. There are two kinds of “punching”: “punching up” and “punching down”. The act of “punching up” refers to telling a joke that insults someone of privileged status (ex. A black American belittling a white American via a joke since the white American is in the position of the privileged status) whereas “punching down” refers to telling a joke that insults someone of oppressed status (ex. a white American belittling a black American via a joke since the black American is in the position of the oppressed race).

It’s never quite clear whether someone is telling a joke with the intention of simply being absurd or if they’re telling a joke with the intention of belittling someone. Also, some people argue that some jokes are “punching up” or “punching down” regardless of intention.

How an individual interprets a joke is a matter of upbringing. There are a million sub-contexts in the English language and in English-speaking cultures, and when it comes to jokes, it sometimes becomes very complicated which sub-contexts are being used.

 

 

Here are 101 dark jokes for those who want to laugh a lot

 

 

  1. While visiting a friend in the hospital, a young man notices several pretty nurses, each one of them wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. “What does the pin signify?” he asks one of them. “Oh! Nothing,” she says with a chuckle, “we just use it to keep the doctors away.”

 

  1. A dentist told a mother, “I’m sorry madam, but I’ll have to charge you a $100 for pulling your boy’s tooth.” The mother exclaimed, “A $100! You said it was only $20!” “Yes,” replied the dentist, “but he yelled so loudly that he scared four other patients out of the office!”

 

  1. What is the difference between a waitress who works in a strip club and an actual stripper? About two weeks.

 

  1. Boss: Do you believe in life after death?

                Employee: No, because there is no proof of it.

Boss: Well there is now !

Employee: How?

Boss: When you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncle’s funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left

 

Honestly Funny Dark Jokes

 

  1. What can a goose do that a duck can’t, but a lawyer should? Shove its bill up its ass!

 

  1. If an accountant’s spouse cannot sleep, what is the best cure? Ask the accountant to talk about their work.

 

  1. Why can’t designated hitters bake pancakes? They also forget the batter.

 

  1. Do you know what happens if you piss of a pilot? He takes off.

 

 

  1. Why are proctologists so gloomy? They always have the end in sight.

 

 

  1. We’ve been reading in the papers lately about terrible cruelty someone is causing to our winged friends by the shore, as many Pelicans have been found with their beaks cut off. Police suspect a local bill collector is behind it all.

 

 

 

  1. How can you tell when an engineer is an extrovert. He stares at YOUR shoes while he talks to you.

 

  1. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, “Awwww, I wish my friends were here.”

 

  1. Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, “It’s dark in here isn’t it?” The other replied, “I don’t know; I can’t see.”

 

  1. Blonde: “What does IDK stand for?”
    Brunette: “I don’t know.”
    Blonde: “OMG, nobody does!”

 

  1. There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

 

  1. Q: Why can’t a blonde dial 911?
    A: She can’t find the eleven.

 

  1. A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.” She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.” Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?” The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.'”

 

  1. A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.” Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?” “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”

 

  1. A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, “Wait, you forgot the remote!”

 

Old but nice dark jokes

 

  1. A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, “Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes…”

 

  1. There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, “I’ve had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals.” One of the guys, of course, said, “I don’t believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?” “N,” she answered.

 

  1. There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don’t, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, “I’ll get off.” The blondes, all moved by the brunette’s speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

 

  1. I would like to have kids one day. But I don’t think I could put up with them any longer than that, though.

 

 

  1. My grief therapist died the other day. She was so good at her job that I don’t even care!
  2. My favourite movie is ‘The Hunchback of Notre Dame.’ I love it when the protagonist has a twisted back story.

 

  1. My friend said that if she went off a cliff, it would be on her own accord. It’s a good thing she drives a Civic!
  2. When my boyfriend’s dog died, I tried to cheer him up by getting him an identical one. But he screamed at me asking what he was supposed to do with two dead dogs!
  3. My grandmother said that I’m too dependent on technology. I called her a hypocrite and disconnected her life support.
  4. You are what you eat. So, you should really give up the nuts.
  5. I have made a joke on trickle down economics. But most of you won’t get it!
  6. I have a fish that’s capable of breakdancing. But she can do it only for 30 seconds and only once!
  7. I have zero carbon footprint. That’s because I drive everywhere.
  8. A recent study has found that man eats more bananas than monkeys. I anyway can’t recall the last time I ate a monkey.
  9. Before I judge someone, I walk a mile in their shoes. So when I do judge them, I am a mile away and I also have their shoes.
  10. I am very good at keeping secrets. It is the people I tell them to who cannot.
  11. I didn’t get your text. Or perhaps my dog ate it again!
  12. I wonder why everyone calls me crazy. The voices tell me that I’m completely sane!

 

  1. A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

 

  1. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, “What are you doing?” “Playing a game,” the boy replied. “What is your name?” the officer questioned. “Mind Your Own Business.” Furious the policeman inquired, “Are you looking for trouble?!” The boy replied, “Why, yes.”

 

  1. A boy asks his father, “Dad, are bugs good to eat?” “That’s disgusting. Don’t talk about things like that over dinner,” the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?” “Oh, nothing,” the boy says. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”
  2. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
  3. Q: Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game?
    A: Their bats flew away.
  4. Q: Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek?
    A: Because he was always spotted.
  5. An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, “I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?” The husband replies, “First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!”
  6. A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman.
    Boy: Why do you look so fat?
    Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me.
    Boy: Is it a good baby?
    Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby.
    Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

 

 

Some other fantastic Dark Jokes

 

  1. There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don’t forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. “You might want to write it down,” she said. The husband said, “No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.” She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. “Write it down,” she told him, and again he said, “No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.” Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. “Write it down,” she told her husband and again he said, “No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.” So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, “Where’s the toast?”

 

  1. Wife: “In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring.”
    Husband: “I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill.”

 

  1. A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.” Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas.”

 

  1. I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

 

  1. A man tells his wife, “Honey, your mom fell down the stairs 15 minutes ago.” The wife yells at him, “Why are you just telling me now?” He said, “Because I couldn’t stop laughing.”

 

  1. A man called his child’s doctor, “Hello! My son just snatched my pen when I was writing and swallowed it. What should I do?” The doctor replied, “Until I can come over, write with another pen.”

 

  1. A 7 year-old and a 4 year-old are in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the 7 year-old, “I think it’s time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’ll swear first, then you.” “Okay,” replies the 4 year-old. In the kitchen, when the mother asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he answers, “I’ll have Coco Pops, bitch.” *WHACK* He goes flying out of his chair, crying his eyes out. The mother looks at the 4 year-old & sternly asks, “And what do you want?” “Dunno,” he replies, “But it won’t be fucking Coco Pops.”

 

 

  1. What’s a shark’s favorite sandwich?
    A. Peanut butter and jellyfish!

 

  1. What can you give and keep at the same time?
    A. A cold!

 

  1. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

 

  1. A husband and wife have four boys. The odd part of it is that the older three have red hair, light skin, and are tall, while the youngest son has black hair, dark eyes, and is short. The father eventually takes ill and is lying on his deathbed when he turns to his wife and says, “Honey, before I die, be completely honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?” The wife replies, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.” With that, the husband passes away. The wife then mutters, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
  2. A mom and a son come home from the grocery store. The boy immediately empties out a box of animal crackers and the mom asks him why. The boy says, “You should not eat it if the seal is broken, so I’m looking for the seal.”

 

  1. Why did the apple run away?
    A. Because the banana split!

 

  1. A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.”The barman says, “Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.”“Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay.”The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what’s wrong, the man says, “I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!”On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

    The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, “Yeah, my wife!”

 

  1. It was a baby mosquito’s first day to fly out from home. When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, “How was your journey?” The baby mosquito replied, “It went great. Everyone was clapping for me!”

 

Read also these dark Jokes

 

  1. An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor asks him, “So how has life been treating you?” The old man replies, “The Lord’s been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, he turns the light on and when I’m finished, he turns the light off.” While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied, “Damn it! The old fart’s been pissing in the ice box again!”
  2. What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
    A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.
  3. “Mom, does God go to the bathroom?” a son asked. The mom replied, “No son, why?” The son said, “Well every morning Dad goes to the bathroom and pounds on the door and shouts, ‘Oh God! Are you still in there?!?!’ “

 

  1. Teacher: “If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?”
    Vincent: “One dollar.”
    Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic.”
    Vincent: “You don’t know my father.”
  2. Q: What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
    A: The genealogist checks the family tree and the gynecologist checks the family bush.
  3. Little Johnny came in from the backyard sobbing. His mother asked “What’s the matter?” “Dad was fixing the fence and hit his thumb with the hammer,” he said through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” his mother said, “and a big boy like you shouldn’t cry about that. Why didn’t you just laugh?” “I did!” cried Johnny.

 

  1. An apartment building is on fire. Firefighters are on the scene, however both their ladder and life net are broken. A star quarterback sees the commotion and asks, “What’s happening? Can I help?” The fire chief says, “There’s a mother and baby stuck in the building on the 19th floor! The mother is up there in the window. Can you catch her child?” The mother frantically waves down to the men below and the football player shouts up to her, “Go ahead, I’m ready!” He holds his arms out and the women drops the infant. Just when the quarterback deftly catches the child, he spikes it to the ground yelling, “TOUCHDOWN!”

 

  1. A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?” “My mother died in August,” he said, “and left me $25,000.” “Gee, that’s tough,” he replied. “Then in September,” the friend continued, “my father died, leaving me $90,000.” “Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.” “Then last month, my aunt died and left me $15,000.” “Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.” “Then this month,” continued the friend, “absolutely nothing!”

 

  1. Q: Why couldn’t the pirate play cards?A: He was sitting on the deck.

 

  1. Q: Why did the ink pots cry?
    A: Their mother was in the pen doing a long sentence.

 

  1. Growing up, my parents never grounded me unless they were really mad. I can remember the first time they caught me drinking under age. Mom freaked out and grounded me for a month, but I guess that was a reasonable response for a parent of a second grader.

 

  1. mom said joe can i have a shower with you tonight? yes honey but don’t look up!
    when they got in the shower joe looked up and asked what is that mum? mom said
    it is Tokyo!the next day the same thing happened but this time he asked his dad
    when they took a shower he looked up and asked what is that? it is a huge dinosaur! that night he asked both his parents can i sleep with you tonight? sure they said so they all hopped in bed and joe looked under the covers and said OH NO THE DINOSAUR IS ATTACKING TOKYO!
  2. Two men are talking and one says to the other, “My wife’s doctor says she has menopause, and, man, has she been moody lately. How long do the symptoms of menopause usually last?” The other man replies, “Let me put it this way: menopause will be listed as the cause on your death certificate.”

 

  1. Boy: Hey mum can I have 100 dollars?Mum: Son money doesn’t grow on treesBoy: Where does money come from?Mum: PaperBoy: Does Paper come from?

    Mum: …

 

  1. My mom drinks Diet Coke despite knowing full well of the repercussions to her health. You might say she’s a sodamasochist.

 

  1. Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?Because she might Let it Go… Let it Go…

 

  1. My friend came up to me at work looking depressed. I asked him what was wrong. He said, “I think I had sex with my third cousin.” I replied, “If you’re that worried about it, quit counting them!”

 

  1. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

 

  1. Cannibal #1: “I can’t stand my mother-in-law.”
    Cannibal #2: “Why don’t you just eat the vegetables?”
  2. Get a new car for your spouse; it will be a great trade!

 

  1. Kid ask your dad this? How were people born then say this.
    So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
  2. My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. “She obviously has COVID,” my wife said. “Why?” I asked. My wife replied with a sneer, “Because she has no taste.”
  3. I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic. It’s called the Plaguestation 5.
  4. Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
  5. I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.
  6. My wife of 60 years told me, “Let’s go upstairs and make love.” I just sighed and said, “Choose one, I can’t do both.”
  7. What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can’t be found.
  8. A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, “I’m sorry, but you only have ten left.” The patient asks him, “Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?” The doctor calmly looks at him and says, “Nine.”
  9. I wasn’t close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
  10. Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.
  11. I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.
  12. My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!” They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
  13. I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
  14. My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
  15. Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. “My friend isn’t breathing,” he shouts into the phone. “What should I do?” “Relax,” the operator tells him. “I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There’s silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, “OK, now what?”
  16. My son, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die. “Usually an overdose, son,” I told him.
  17. What’s yellow and can’t swim? A bus full of children.
  18. What’s the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn’t beat cancer.
  19. My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.
  20. “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?” the patient asked. “To the morgue,” the doctor replied. “What?” The patient panicked. “But I’m not dead yet!” “And we’re not there yet,” the doctor said.
  21. If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling. Sheesh!

 

Sources:

bestlifeonline

Laughfactory 

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